wings

december 2016

My back always starts hurting pretty badly around finals week. I know that the ache is a byproduct of hunching over computers and tests. But that is really freaking boring so instead here is my explanation.

The wings that lay dormant under my skin deeply resent the way that finals chain me down. They strain and ache and push against my nerves in protest. I write papers and study for tests and read scholarly articles and dream about being anywhere else.

I could be in the Grand Canyon, yelling as loud as I can and knowing that I will never be loud enough to fill that chasm with my noise. I could be snorkeling in the Keys, chasing clownfish and being chased by barracudas (actually happened). I could in a black hole vortex, spinning in the subjectivity of existence alongside schrodinger’s cat. I could be in 1966, marching on washington or maybe marching into the heart of the jungle. I could be a magnet, simultaneously attracted and repulsed by myself. I could be a guitar string, thrumming along, dancing and squirming and moving and making sound as I go (or maybe I am already this one).

But instead, I am here. Left side of the table, study room 311, Anne Belk Library, Appalachian State University, Boone, North Carolina, United States, Northern Hemisphere, Planet Earth, Milky Way, God’s Palm.

WHY? WHY AM I DOING THIS? I REALLY REALLY DISLIKE THIS! I AM NOT ENTIRELY SOLD ON THIS WHOLE COLLEGE THING ANYWAY! WHY AM I STILL HERE?

Who freaking knows my friends. Maybe because it is my parent’s wish for me. Maybe because I (sort of) believe that this is the path to success. Maybe because I truly love my major. And my friends. And Boone. And the restaurants in Boone.

Or, maybe it is because I am too afraid what my wings will look like once I open them up. Once I let them rip out of my skin. Freedom is fun until it is really freaking scary.

But mainly I think that I am here because I am supposed to be here, enrolled in college. I need to learn how to sit with an achey spine and a wandering mind but not let them control me. I need to learn the wisdom that patience and perseverance grinds into you. I need college.

When I bust out of this joint, it will be glorious. I am going to moonwalk across that freaking stage and grab my diploma like a baton and sprint forward to the next leg of my race. I am gonna to stage dive into the future.

And as for my achy wings… when I uncurled myself from under my down comforter this morning, heaved my body off of my foam mattress and faced today, a feather fell out of my curls. So I think they will be just fine.