r&r

march 2017 

“lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy soul”

my #ootd is a pair of sneakers that have a huge hole next to my left pinky toe, jeans i have literally never washed, a red tshirt i swiped in high school (the one with bleach stains on it) that is deeply wrinkled from days at the bottom of a mound of unfolded clean clothes. i am sporting a natural face (meaning that i am breaking out), and my curls are more like corckskrews of fuzz. my voice a mysterious smokey timbre from screaming all weekend at full volume over over games of all sorts (shoutout to my insatiable desire to win!!), my statement accessory is my swollen right ankle that i heard pop (loudly) 3 separate times this weekend. the first time was when i tripped when playing basketball, the second was mid dance-battle, and the third was jumping for joy when kentucky sunk their last three pointer vs UNC.

in short, i am a smelly wreck.

in the song Down in the Valley, the Head and the Heart sing “lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy soul” , a worthy summation of my daily conversations with God. but the cool thing is that i am learning that i am literally exactly who i am supposed to be.

i am so far from perfect is comical. i am not just not perfect, i am a real freaking punk most times. my edges are steak knives, the only sugar-coating that i know about is when i’m talking about m&ms. my jokes are crass, my language in vular, mischief finds me wherever i run. and boy do i run. rough & rowdy is the only r&r that i am familiar with. rest is a myth (too many things to do, too little time) and relaxation may as well be complacency (too many things to do, too little time). so what does a perfect God think of a dirty little troublemaking spazball with a real talent for screwing up?

Matthew 9: 10-13    ¹⁰ And as he sat at dinner in the house, many tax collectors and sinners came and were sitting with him and his disciples. ¹¹ When the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” ¹² But when he heard this, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. ¹³ Go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have come to call not the righteous but sinners.”

i am a sinner. Jesus was crying out in anguish under the weight of my specific sin. i am broken and fearful, angry and spiteful, a hypocrite of the highest order. i have done nothing to deserve forgiveness but i have it. i am unworthy of a place in heaven but God’s love is bigger than my inequities.

perfection comes from one place only, Jesus. God put on flesh and descended into the world of sin in order to sit at the table with the broken and dirty sinners that He called sons and daughters. He put on flesh and walked here, He hung on a cross and took on every sin of every person for all time in order to open up the path to forgiveness. God doesn’t ask us to be clean or neat or dressed business casual when we come to his door, He only asks that we come to His door.

God doesn’t look at my clothes or my personality or any of my mess and see irrevocable imperfection. He sees his perfect (wacky and wild) creation that has been smudged by the world. God actually built most of what the world calls my messy stuff. The mess that he aches to see in me is the worldly chaos. He didn’t create that but He for sure sees past it. He sees me. Phebe Martin, clothed in dirty jeans, dancing on a sprained ankle.

this is how i picture my perfect entrance into my the home of my eternal Father. i’ll run up at sunset after a full day of playing. my feet will be bare and black with dirt, my arms and legs will be scraped and scabbed over by briars encountered in the forests, my hair will be matted down from swimming in salt water. i will have spent my time building stuff and breaking stuff apart and dancing and diving in head first to murky water. i’ll turn up sporting tan skin, achy tired muscles, carrying a full heart, a huge smile, and a head full of stories. i will run home after a long day of playing, and my God will laugh big and loud “sweet phebe! it looks like you had quite a bit of fun out there! i am so glad you took advantage of this world i moulded for you. go take a shower pigpen, there will be dinner on the table when you are done. I Love You”

 

playlist-

1. down in the valley – the  head and the heart
2. wild one – michael ketterer
3. rabbit song (live at the hordern pavilion)  – boy and bear